To realize that there is only a vague connection between what you Do and what you Are is a rather disturbing discovery.
The thoughts I have about Myself seems to be nothing but Thoughts about Myself. Oh so obvious, but nevertheless, that’s what my whole life plan is built upon.
The feelings about My Self has rarely been a part of that plan. They were probably shut up ages ago.
The idea regarding Myself starts to look a lot like a comercial break. Made up to sell something to someone. Desperate to be bought.
Learning how the world works has produced an endless agenda of trying to “fit in”. As if I didn’t fit in to begin with. Who said that? Where did that come from?
An early and consistent separation and then years and years of trying to get back in. All the striving for nothing, but to maintain the idea of being separate.
Only to find that the world, the someone supposed to buy what I’m selling, is actually a fiction. Finding out that, honestly, I don’t wanna be bought. So why keep advertising?
There is no buyer so no need for a salesman. They are one as far as reality goes.
If I can stop selling, there’s nothing that can be bought.
If I can let my Self be, then I’ll be in-valuable to the world.
I can be used for nothing. I can do it all.
When that perspective shows up, and when it’s more than just an intellectual understanding, it’s quite sad. How to be creative in that picture? How to adjust when so much of what you Do is based on foggy thought patterns? How could the same “thinking” that got me here get me out of here? Yeah, I know how of course. Acceptance, compassion and bravery towards the Self that is finally showing up. Still I wonder how to “how”.
Still I wonder; How to How…
I just made a funny mind flip. After the last sip Coke, I was holding the empty bottle in front of me and thought
– This should be cared for…not recycled. It’s a perfectly good bottle. No holes in it and very lightweight. It has a handy screw top and is easy to clean. Actually, it’s much better than one made of glass or clay. Maybe that’s why plastic bottles sell so well, duh?
But wait a sec… if plastic bottles are so useful and handy, why throw them in the samsara of recycling? Don’t get me too wrong. I’m pro recycling in general. In fact I’ve never had one single negative thought on it. Until now that is. You see, the moment I noticed what’s good about the bottle, I decided not to buy a fancy buddha-designed-authentic-tibetan-singing bowl-cup. Not that I’ve had the idea (somewhere someone more biz-minded than me is thinking – hmm that’s an idea), but you get the pic. Buying stuff to create an image or identity we long for. That whole nonsense, and I’ve done a lot, hit me. I looked at the plastic bottle, my bottle, and thought- I will keep you and care for you. Making that seemingly silly promise I suddenly felt good. How strange. But then I rememberd a quote; The dignity of a nation is defined by how well it treats the ones who least deserve it.
Maybe the good feeling was a flash of dignity?
In any case, thanks to this simple, mass produced and cheap coca-cola bottle I have no need for a new one, and after all recycling is good but breaking the cycle is better.