How to How
To realize that there is only a vague connection between what you Do and what you Are is a rather disturbing discovery.
The thoughts I have about Myself seems to be nothing but Thoughts about Myself. Oh so obvious, but nevertheless, that’s what my whole life plan is built upon.
The feelings about My Self has rarely been a part of that plan. They were probably shut up ages ago.
The idea regarding Myself starts to look a lot like a comercial break. Made up to sell something to someone. Desperate to be bought.
Learning how the world works has produced an endless agenda of trying to “fit in”. As if I didn’t fit in to begin with. Who said that? Where did that come from?
An early and consistent separation and then years and years of trying to get back in. All the striving for nothing, but to maintain the idea of being separate.
Only to find that the world, the someone supposed to buy what I’m selling, is actually a fiction. Finding out that, honestly, I don’t wanna be bought. So why keep advertising?
There is no buyer so no need for a salesman. They are one as far as reality goes.
If I can stop selling, there’s nothing that can be bought.
If I can let my Self be, then I’ll be in-valuable to the world.
I can be used for nothing. I can do it all.
When that perspective shows up, and when it’s more than just an intellectual understanding, it’s quite sad. How to be creative in that picture? How to adjust when so much of what you Do is based on foggy thought patterns? How could the same “thinking” that got me here get me out of here? Yeah, I know how of course. Acceptance, compassion and bravery towards the Self that is finally showing up. Still I wonder how to “how”.
Still I wonder; How to How…