Here’s the Gate
A short note on my evening meditation. Instead of trying to focus on breath, which I can control, and trying to just observe my conscious perceptions, which I cannot control, I flipped it. I said; “Don’t forget to breathe”, as if it needed conscious control, but “please indulge in perception/thoughts if you want to”, as if an invitation was appropriate. May sound totally backwards but something like that was my mind-set. The idea was to mix up focus, goal, do’s and dont’s. Maybe that is to ruin the whole point of practice but I did it anyway. The result? Pretty cool actually! Whenever a consious thought appeared, there were as usually a lot of ’em, I noted “ok, let’s take this smell, sight, thought or whatever all the way” and two things happened by default. First came “don’t forget to breathe” and then the perception very quickly got uninteresting. Bottom line is, I did a lot more mindful breathing than usual. It felt like that infamous gateless gate-thing. You want to get in, but you cannot come in as long as you want to. So you try not to want to but then you’re trapped in wanting anyway. So you let go of that and invite your desire to go berserk if it so pleases and then suddenly it stops being so important. When it does, the roadblock of your “I want this but I’m not allowed to want this”, the whole ambivalence trip, falls apart. So I go to sleep with an updated theory on the gateless gate; it’s not so much the wanting/grasping that is the culprit, it’s more like the resistance to acknowledge it that is the invisible gate. As soon as you accept the greedy part of you, you may enter into what is your True Home. Thing is, you’ve been there all along or maybe better put; you are on both sides of the gate from the start, therefore it’s said to be “inside your mind”. And what is that internal gate then? Perhaps nothing more than your desire to be better than you already are. So there the root of all the wobbling. To stop wobble, in that picture, is to acknowledge and make peace with your inside opposites. In the end, it’s thanks to them you move forward in this world. In fact, without them you would be nothing since everything is interrelated in a yin and yang-ish kinda way. Therefore you should have a 2×4 over the head when asking a zen-master to teach you how to be a perfect buddha. What you’re saying is in fact- I want help to get rid of my desires so I can be even more unipolar and white and thus build a thicker wall in my confused head and by that feel even more alienated from myself so I can wobble myself to etarnal sleep”. Of course every buddhist is a greedy fool, but only the buddhist saying “yes I am” will tear down the gate and enter the Self, the whole Self and nothing but the Self. Seems like not wanting to be black AND white makes you pretty gray, and you never see a grey yin and yang-symbol, do you? So the gateless gate is not there to keep you on some outside because there is none. You put it there to keep your whites clean and your blacks in the dark. You end up with three parts, white for pushing away black, black for grasping the white and grey for delution. Voila, they’re all You. And if you go the distance and erase all three then bottoms up, it’s all empty for real this time. These three is all there is and ever was.
Now that I’ve figured that out, I’ll have a tuna sandwich and some guilt for not being vegetarian. Veggie white + tuna black + guilt grey makes a complete asshole.
Short note it was not. Zen paradox takes looong time to solve.
Can I skip my koan now and go straight for the guilt trip?